Absolutely nearing my breaking point. He really expects me to be wife, mother, maid, house manager, task manager, laundry woman, alarm clock, waitress, chore person/chore reminder (for him), therapist for his emotional labor, and go buy groceries while he gets to sleep in, demand things from me, play video games, pick where to order from with no consideration to my health, feeds to hamster (which I have to double check because he’ll forget to give her water or food), sit on his phone, listen to music really fucking loud with no regards to our neighbors or where he is in the apartment (ex: bathroom), and demand that because he did one very small thing, I have to shower him with love and praise. I’m at my fucking limit.
I haven’t had time to do ANY hobbies or things that would recharge my mental health because I’ve been trying to do all the chores since he won’t do them or he’ll take forever to do them like the trash or his laundry. I won’t help him and I’ve told him I won’t help him but he keeps asking that I hold the bag while he puts trash in, or hold the bag for the laundry (both things I can do myself). I have been running on a low battery for weeks because I’m so exhausted I can’t even bring myself to do more than laundry, all I wanna do is sleep the entire weekend because maybe I’ll feel better then or stare at my phone. I’ve been taking selfies to make me feel better but i can still see how tired I am. I just don’t want to feel like I’m holding the weight of our relationship and home life anymore, and it pisses me off when he claims he’s the backbone of everything. I don’t demand that I get love or praise for doing basic household things that benefit both of us, but I do ask that he helps so even if he’s saying he demands “love and affection for the rest of the day because of _____” jokingly (although he says a lot of things “jokingly”), it makes me angry and exhausts me more.
I’m tired. I want to recharge. I want to spend the time doing things for me, not feeling like I have to get him whatever he wants, on his time. I haven’t finished unpacking yet, but part of me is asking “should I even bother? Should I leave? Cut my losses and live my own life?” But then I’d traumatize him further and idk I can’t do that.
My therapist has finally said that maybe we should get our own apartments because this is very much an ongoing problem and tbh it sounds really good but we’d have to move out of our neighborhood because I can’t afford anything here on my own. She also mentioned that maybe we should get a maid and my husband pay for it since he’s the one who won’t try to help, and he has most of the money.
Which brings me to a different problem. Since he has less bills than I do (new car, streaming services, nickle-and-dimed for benefits at work so my check is consistently 300-400 less than what I actually make), he was able to start putting money aside for “us”. It generally is about $500, but when I have weeks we’re I can’t afford to buy myself some lunch, or need to go grocery shopping, or need to buy essentials for myself, he has said no before (rarely but it has happened). Now, with my very limited budget, I have to find a way to save up money, which doesn’t work when I need the $20 I put aside every 2 weeks to cover a bill I can’t pay.
I sent him some videos on weaponized incompetence from tiktok, because that’s exactly what is going on. He’s also got codependency issues, as do I: a video rocked my world today and pointed out that you can be codependent on broken men and trying to fix them…which I think I did here…fuck. I’m nearing my breaking point, I want to chuck my phone and my keys, get in my car and just drive as far away as possible.
Had a really intense dream this morning. In my dream, there was a woman that could call forth the soul of a baby waiting to be born. They would appear as a blob and grow into a baby shaped foam and that way you could accept the soul into your body and be pregnant the 9 months (you still had to have sex to complete the cycle and stuff).
My mom and I had a question about if we could communicate with the woman (at the time she was only speaking Japanese). She turned to me and started speaking in Spanish. We called forth 3 souls for me to pick from, and for me, they turned into how they would look as an adult of my age. The last soul is the one that made me question myself.
She came forth, from her foam baby shape and grabbed my hands and said in Spanish “please don’t pick me. I don’t want to go back. I’m not scared, I just don’t want to feel the negative emotions.” I had the feeling that she suffered greatly in her past life (i got the feeling that she killed herself to escape that life) and I started to ask myself: if I did pick her, could I break the cycle for her and make her life a happy one? Could I be a fair and just mother? Or would I continue the cycle and great more pain and suffering because I’m not able to see past my own pain? How would I affect her life? Could I promise her a happier life?
I realized I couldn’t promise her anything, I had no idea if I’d be a good mom or if I could see past my own pain and raise an emotionally healthy kid yet. I realized I still have a long way to go, working on myself and getting myself to a place where I’m mentally and emotionally healthy enough for kids. I realized I’m not ready yet. I picked none of them, and the woman and the souls went into a different room. Then in true dream form, the room turned into a classroom, I was seated at a desk and class was about to start.
have I heard recent fandom stuff? interesting question. the answer is I did my fucking time and now I universally unilaterally refuse to learn anything ever again. thank you
